Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
