but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
