Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize