I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
