She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
