my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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