how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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