When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
