I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
