just tell him i said nine months
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
