how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
