Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
