I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
