I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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