"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
