A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Did I show you my penis last night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
