Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
