I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
