Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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