Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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