When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
