i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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