That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Who died my cat blue again?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
