I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
