If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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