If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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