Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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