So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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