i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
