dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
