We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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