drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
