Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
