We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
