Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
