shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
