Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
