there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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