i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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