I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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