What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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