just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
