so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
