There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
