so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
