Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
