dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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