Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
