listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
