So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
