Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
