I'm so fucking centered right now
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
