literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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